12:48AM (2:28PM EST)

Dear Vodka,

It’s me.

Today was another whirlwind of emotions, kind of day.

I woke up feeling like I’m coming down with something…went to the babyhome…it was fine. Ermek was cute as ever. I came home, ate a little then took a nap. Kelly called at 6:30pm and we all met a family who just finished their court date today. Their agency liaison and her boyfriend plus a friend of his joined us for an awesome evening!

I’m going to write about something else. How I’m feeling.

It’s raw. And it’s really OK, but here’s the deal. I’m going to process a little here.

The bottomline is, what was told to me by my agency, just isn’t how it is here. For me.

I was told I’d have a translator and driver to show me the area & culture. I was told how the babyhome first visit can go. None of this is my reality.

I like Zhanat, but the fact is I’m paying a lot of money to be dropped off and picked up…sharing the car with another family…and that’s it. We are not splitting the driving fees, her ‘salary’ suddenly went up, my rent is expensive…and I’m frustrated with this.

The first day at the babyhome, Kelly/Doug & I were corralled in the same room to meet the babies. This was when they introduced us to only ONE boy who was available. An agency came in the day before and basically ‘sniped’ the other baby who was earmarked for one of us. They sat there, Zhanat not representing us at all, and said, you guys are adults, you work it out who will take the available child.

They then brought in a boy who is technically not available for another month, but if chosen, we can fly back for him and start the process.

This was the horror. WHO DOES THIS?!?!

I was alone. And I was horrified by this. Why didn’t they do this privately for each family? Why are we experiencing this awkward, awful ordeal in the same room? THEN they brought in another girl who clearly had some issues…and tried to sell her to us. Zhanat too!!! Who is she representing? Only to ask each of us…right there: who do you want? wtf is that? I knew they could ask these kinds of questions, but my horror was to invite two families in, show one available child and say ‘work it out’.

We got in the car and Zhanat asked if we wanted to be dropped off at each of our apts. I was so alone. Doug & Kelly asked my preference…I said I’ll do whatever, I have no preference. (I’m alone.) They thought we should talk and I agreed (thank god) Why would I want to invade their processing? Because clearly, we all had to do some. We got let out by an internet café and the first words out of my mouth were “that was fucked up…no one needs to go through what we just did…and they had control over that”. Doug said he felt sick and just wanted to go back to the States.

We went to the grocery store, picked up some drinks & food & went to my place. We played chit-chat for a little bit & I opened up about Stas & my life back home. And basically said if we needed to go there, they had ammunition now for whatever it was they wanted to do, but I wanted them to know my reality before I said this: “the little boy is your boy…there is no doubt in my mind” They cried. They told me I’m a good person. They said that in times of stress, people either step up and take the high road, or go pretty low to get what they want. They would never have used anything against me to get my child, despite how hard it would be for them.

It was so weird because we’re all crying, then I just got stone-serious all of a sudden and without a tear or a wavering voice, said what I said. “the universe spoke guys, it is what it is, he’s your boy…I have my own questions to deal with” We hugged, cried some more. And that was that.

My next questions were…can/would I wait around for this other boy to be available? Knowing how fucked up this place is and take the risk? Would I go home? Basically, should I choose this child, I am 1 month early which means I’m here another month at least.

On a spiritual level, we broke through and never ONCE, after I said what I said, have I questioned my decision. I knew then, the universe spoke and I was convicted of my decision. I knew I could fight it…and most likely win (based on my personality)…but it wasn’t what was supposed to happen…he’s not my child. (but man, he’s a cutie too!) Ermek was the boy who wasn’t, and still isn’t available.

What if I didn’t feel that?

Stas said follow your gut, but most importantly, be open…this is where you know you have the most insight and power. And every single time I have, I have NEVER lost out. But my problem is, I fear that part of me and it is one of my most scariest areas for me to enter (when I’m not sure it’s ‘safe’)…it opens me up for all to enter and destroy as they wish…because it lives in the same area with my demons, despite the fact they’ve given me my strongest foothold of strength and power as well. Fact is, it’s my private place I’m still choosy with whom I share…but I’m getting much better at handling the cave (what I call it). So if you have ever really tapped into me, you are one of the few people in this world.

I had to really tap into me this time.

After over a week, it may seem trivial…but during that ordeal, my baby was sniped by some other agency because they read about our visit in one of Kelly’s blogs.

Don’t get me wrong: if it didn’t happen this way, I wouldn’t be with Ermek…and I really believe that would have been our loss. If the orphanage said I could pick anyone…I’d pick him, no question. He has a deep soul. We are Fire, Earth & now Water…

Since that day, we’ve relaxed in our roles and started to bond with our boys.

The other family we met had an awesome liaison! They go out to lunch everyday, they travelled around together…they did/do what I thought we would do.

I have not seen Zhanat 3 out of the last 4 days. The only other place we’ve driven to was the BIG grocery store (I think she needed to go)

Doug/Kelly & I should be getting a break on ‘driving fees’ as well.

And I know I’m nit-picking because if you ask me frankly, knowing what I know, would I do this again? I’d say without a doubt, YES. Everyone’s story is her own…this is mine.

It is what it is.

Doesn’t mean I should bury my head in the sand and pretend things are different though…this is why I process.

I am quite fine with how things are going…it’s my world today.

Libby, from the agency back home, already heard a little of my voice. And I won’t mention anything about Zhanat until I am home safe with Ermek…but I feel in principal, it’s not right…and I’m being taken advantage of to a certain degree. Her job is not that hard. She promised to teach us Russian and take us to all these places…(still waiting). Now she just doesn’t seem to join us anymore. Ermek has worn the same outfit for the last 4 days…but Zhanat isn’t around, so how can I tell them to use one of the other 5 I brought in?

Zhanat tells me that the agency woman (skinny sniper blond bitch) used to be her friend, but now they don’t talk…huh? I almost think blaming Kelly’s blog for this is a stupid BS chicken shit move. You don’t need to ‘get’ me to know I hate cowards. Apparently this has happened before. You’d think the agency would wizen up. The way Zhanat is absent at such convenient times, seemed to be representing the babyhome (not us) during our first visit, and is very vague in speech, only makes me think she knew that Dr. Irena was leaving and talked to her agency friend who pulled one over on her…guilt?

I don’t know…today I don’t care because Ermek couldn’t be more perfect.

I’m simply venting. It’s what I do to move on, so it doesn’t bottle up…or I pretend like it never existed. And, I said I’d share.

Tonight brought back these emotions and as D/K walked me back to my apt, we all kind of agree. Doug was cute: “tonight made me want to cry”. We feel the same about all this that’s happening to us here. It’s a bit of a surreal experience. At the same time, we don’t want to rock the boat…or even change anything!

“That’s FUCKED UP Daisy!”

…I bet she even keeps chickens under her bed. (skinny sniper blond bitch)